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Clayton, California Synchronized swimming is definitely harder than it looks. The better you are, the more smooth you are, the more graceful you are. Your breathing doesn't get so hard and labored. That's stuff that you learn. It's part of the training. Your coaches tell you, "Don't breathe so loud, don't gasp like that," or "That arm movement's too jerky." That's something you learn. When you see the younger girls swim, it looks as hard above the water as it does under the water. That 's something that you learn. It's still there, though, when you're older. You still struggle to keep yourself looking graceful. I was too critical of myself, too hard on myself when I made mistakes. I would get hung up - angry at myself when I made mistakes. Too angry, so much so that you can't really focus on what you're supposed to do anymore, you're just so angry. I wouldn't listen to my scores. I'd go underwater, and I would just put it out of my mind. Then when I saw the results, I would get angry. I'd see everything down the line falling apart. It became way too much for me. When I got angry with myself, I would scratch myself. I would scratch my legs and my arms, just to inflict pain on my body. Cause it was easier for me to deal with that than with the emotional pain. That was just punishment for myself. I don't really even remember the first time I did it, and I don't really remember the last time I did it. People have told me of incidents where, I guess it was really bad, and I don't even remember that. But they say that - maybe - it was to the point where I was bleeding - which I don't remember. I don't even really remember to that extent. I don't know. I don't know how bad it was. I guess it gets really bad, it gets bad enough that you mutilate your own body. That's saying a lot right there. There's no other way for you to express that anger. You just can't - the bottle - the bottle becomes too full with too many emotions. That's how bad it gets, that you would do that. I don't know what it looks like from the outside. But from the inside, it's not pretty. Adelaide, 19 Atlanta, Georgia I really wasn't planning on getting pregnant. I didn't know what was gonna happen to me, after I left that group home. Cause you know, when girls go to group homes, they probably come from a bad background, being raped, mama don't love 'em. And love play a big role in the family, it really do. I don't want my little girl to be molested, I mean it, I really do. Because it stay with you all your life, it really do. You gotta have a strong mind to put it back. I just hope she grow up to be a good girl, and if I ever die or ever leave her, I hope somebody real good just take good care of her. I was a virgin up 'til I was 18, when I left my group home. If I knew it was gonna be like this, believe me, I would have stayed back there. But see, I was hurt, because I fell into the wrong hands, and I thought somebody loved me, but they really didn't. You know love, that word 'love', I can't really say it ruined my life, but I really hate that I got introduced to it. If I say 'love', everybody know, you and I know, that 'love' means like sharing and doing this and that, but if you don't know, it's just one word. If you don't know what it is, you be like, "Golly, I wonder what is it?" But love was introduced to me wrong, you know? I know you don't know, but I'm telling you. Love, it was introduced to me wrong. But now, I'm trying to introduce it to my baby the right way. I'm trying - I'm trying to do it the right way. I told my granddad, I said, "Granddad, I gotta get a car. I'm pregnant." I would beg my father. He kept saying, "You ain't got no license." So I taught my own self how to drive. I got in the car and didn't know what to do. But see, I've been in cars. I got friends who have cars. I went and took the driver test. The lady, I kept telling her, "I'm very nervous, ma'am. I'm real nervous." I had to parallel park. I messed up. She said, "You know what you need to do, Adelaide? You need to come up a little bit by that pole, and just come on in." And on the third time I got it. I did it, and I passed. I got my license, and my granddad was very proud of me. I went and got my license on my own. People don't really know you 'til they really get to talk to you. And they still really don't, because they ain't lived the life you live. I smile, I laugh. I try to keep going. I don't go to church every Sunday, and I don't go to Bible study, but I know there's a God. I try to whisper a little prayer every now and then to let Him know that I still love Him, and I thank Him for letting me do good. I try to let the blues stay off my heart. Some people lived worse than I done lived. I meet mean people each day, I meet nice people, I meet crazy people, but that won't stop me from making it. It really won't. I did - I came from a bad background, but, it's, it's all gonna change now. Excerpt from Girls in America: Their Stories, Their Words by Carol Cassidy, TV Books, 1999 PAGES < 1 | 2 >
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